Maggie Gallagher, of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM), is relentless. She will not give up on seeing to it that our LGBT rights are forever stomped out. It appears that her sole mission in life is to keep every LGBT American from having marriage equality. She and her organization were behind California's Proposition 8, over-turning gay marriage in that state, as well as many other anti-gay initiatives around our country.

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"I Want To Kiss You" Bassey Ikpi (Def Poetry)

"I Want To Eat Your Pussy" Steve Coleman

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The truth is that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what to believe. Maybe the problem is that I'm not prayin enouh. Maybe the problem is that I don't want to face the truth. Maybe the problem is that I have a tendency to drink the kool-aid and simply accept what other people tell me, about religion, anyway. I guess it all coems down to the way you were raised and how you experienced God in the first place. You experience God through other people, you are told stories by other people, almost all of your first expereinces with God are tied to others. Th eproblem seems to occur when you mix yourself in--depending on who you are. You start trying to figure out things for yourself and then you find out that somethings aren't pretty, some things aren't what you expected them to be.

I don't know, I woke up this morning and I was reading some online articles (thanks Google News) and I was catching up on some gay opinion pieces and came across an article that was called "You're Gay, Not Special" it was mostly defending the idea of America as a Christian Nation, etc and it just went on and on about what God felt. But it was just kind of . . . disheartening. I googled "Is Homosexuality a Sin" and got the usual reply -- "Yes". There's just something annoying about the way that people can under cut your way of thinking. But, as the quote goes, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well, I guess I've given my consent. Part of me is still trying to reconsile with the images of the pas and trying to work out a living, breathing relationship with God, and the other part of me is trying to move forward and become something new. The sad part is that I wouldn't even be having these issues if I weren't gay.

I don't believe in the Bible and yet I call myself a Christian. I've gone over this too many times for it to even matter anymore, but still. The Bible is the shakiest part of the Christian faith, only because it was written in three different languages, by many different people, then translated into english by many different people. And yet, by saying the magic words of "Inerrant word of God" you can make all of the possible and plausable blunders disappear. Suddenly it doesn't matter anymore that half of the things weren't written by the people that they're named after. It doesn't matter that the character of Satan appeared in Zoarastrianism, years and years before Judaism or Christianity. It doesn't matter that the Bible was written in a time without women's rights, in a time that condoned slavery, in a time that wasn't what we would call "socially progressive." All of this doesn't matter because "We're right, and you're wrong!"

The truth is that I don't know, I don't have the answers. All I know is that there is a lot of gray, but people want to paint with the broad brush of this is right, that is wrong, etc. And maybe we, as a culture, are making excuses, are trying to make things work, are trying to get around the rigid scripture that has been used to back hatred, segregation and murder. Maybe we are trying to convince ourselves that there is a way around abomination. But it beats two grizzly alternatives. (a) That God does indeed hate fags (as the lovely people at the Westboro Baptist Church put it) and that we are all sinners and that he won't forgive us for going against nature (like so many of his creations do, you know, all of those gay animals, seriously). Or (b) That God doesn't exist. Or rather, that Christian-God doesn't exist, that the Bible is just a bunch of bedtime stories and flim-flam from a society that is long gone.

I like to believe that God is out there, waiting for me to embrace him, waiting to show me the way, waiting for me to grow closer to him. I like to believe that God is infact all encompassing, all seeing, all knowing, and all powerful. That he can break the confines of any box that we try to put him in-- including religion. I like to believe that God has the capacity for love, and the capacity to be both personal and impersonal. But then again, maybe I'm the one who's believing in fairy-tales.

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I guess the answer to the question "Why?" is "I don't know." Mabye blogging could turn into an actual career, maybe I could become some blogger for some website or for some company. Maybe this will open up job oppurtunities, maybe I will get a job in communications. Or maybe  I just need a way to say to the world that I existed, that I was here, that I mattered, that for a while, I had something important to say about my existance, about my hurt feelings, about my longing for someone special. Maybe I'm not afraid to look into the great exspansive darkness that is the interent (and the world at large if you think about it) and declare myself. Maybe I feel the need to validate, to prove my worth, or maybe I'm just being passive agressive. Or maybe I just like to think of myself as a real writer, that someone, somewhere is reading. It doesn't matter if they don't say a word, it doesn't matter if they pry open their lips and spew forth hatred. What matters is that for the five minutes it took for them to read what I've written, they were able to see what it is like to be me. To be someone else, to experience life in a completely different way. So excuse me if I don't feel the need to hide, excuse me if I put everything up front and deal with the consequinces later. I am more than just some antisocial freak. I'm more than some overweight loser. I'm more than labels, slurs and small minded notions that I am "doing too much."

I am more than all of these things because I am me. I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, and I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that I'm going to enjoy myself, and anyone with half a brain and a good sense of (snarky) humor, is going to enjoy it with me and see beyond my (apparenty numerous) shortcomings.

So the question isn't "Why?"

The question is "Why not?"

You have an entire universe of creativity inside of you, and its a shame to deny anyone else from seeing it. And maybe I do take it (and everything else) to the  Nth degree. But that's just who I am. I don't judge you for dreaming so microscopically. So don't judge me for dreaming big.

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091226-015145

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Why does it seem that all of the greatest stereotypes and cliches seem to be the truest? Is there really someone for everyone? Are all men dogs? Are all gays bitchy--on some level or another? Most of these things we call truth, we say that they are far and wide facts, things that you justhave to deal with while you're alive. I'm just wondering if its true though, some of the things that we tell ourselves. (More specifically about men. Are all men dogs?) Take Matt for example, sure, he seemed like a great guy, sure he's saying all of the right things, but do I really want to go back there, go back to that place and put myself in the way of danger? I'm not smitten with him, but if he's going to be only one hour away, why not? Weekends at his place, spending time together, and who knows, I might even overcome my fear of driving in Texarkana. Maybe it could turn into something good, but who knows, I refuse to live in a world of maybes, I lived in that world for far too long. That is what always get me into these kinds of messes, every sentence comes out at "Maybe he'll. . . " or "Maybe we'll . . ." or "Maybe it could . . . " Maybe exists because the abolutes, the facts, are too hard to face.

Matt says that he hasn't been with anyone in four months, that's right around the time taht we stopped talking. He says that he's been tested and that he's negative. And for me . . . maybe that's enough. He's clean, he (said he) hasn't been with anyone else. But I feel like maybe that's a lie. And if it is a lie, if he is tricking me, but I'm aware of it, then does it matter? I'm not in love with him, I barely like him, but I still have this connection to him that I thought that I had severed. He's starting his life, and maybe he's finally decided to grow up. If he has, then that is great, and maybe I could get with that. But if not . . . am I ready to make concessions just to be with someone who wants to be with someone else? Would I be able to accept an open relationship? It feels like that's what people do when they want to keep a whore. If you tell them that its okay and that they can "play together and play seperately" it just makes it okay not to be monogamous. And to me, monogamy is something that I won't budge on. I don't know, it has the potential to go south, but it also has the potential to be my first (actual) relationship.

No paper gangsters, no coin operated boys, no crazies, douchebags or assholes, etc. Just . . . real.

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You're not a sex-god because people are lusting after your naked flesh. You're even less of a sex-god when you give into their demands and pretty words and show off for them. I hate that the internet has enabled a whole generation of people to have the experience of a stripper. If you're a chub, it seems, you don't have a problem stripping down on cam and letting guys (usually decrepit Chesters) how hot you are and how you deserve to be treated and what they would do to you if they were there. You're being used. Plain and simple. You're a glorified stripper and you don't even get paid, you just get some kind of emotional satisfaction, some kind of sexual catharsis from being told (for once in your miserable life) how beautiful you are. Its a sad fact, but its not even the chubs, it seems like everyone is doing it. Its like an epidemic of daddy issues. I (almost) wish that I could just regulate it to the gay community, or the straight community, but its more pervasive. When did it become okay to be naked on the internet? I feel like some people almost expect it of the gays, and of slutty straights (i.e. people who don't respect their bodies, etc.) But I guess the question is what role does sexual repression play into alll of this? You feel rejected, alone, horny, whatever, and you find yourself in some sleazy IM session with a guy that you really don't like but who's telling you all the right things that you need to hear right now. Does this mean that you should hop to it, get naked and give them their goodies, only to have some kind of emotional buyer's remorse later?

I think that the best course of action is to think with your head, not your feelings. How you feel will make you do alot of stupid things, especially if you're not thinking. Sober thinking is what prevents huge mistakes.

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Everyone has atleast one issue on which they are iffy about. The subjective instances where you believes take a hit, the items that are so delicate that they take some kind of mental revision. But what happens if that seems to be your constant state. If you are constantly waffling on certain issues?

It feels like I am doing that, all the time. And if you can't believe what is coming out of your own mouth, then what is the point? Am I a hypocrite? Or am I just fluid in my beliefs? Earlier I scarfed down half a bag of Cheeto's Puffs covered in cheese dip. And ten minutes earlier I shunned someone because they were "too fat" (Which they were, they were atleast 450lbs, but they were partnered, so I guess that doesn't matter). And then I'm always pushing the whole inner beauty thing. But only when it comes to me it seems. When it comes to everyone else, looks are just enough. That's hypocritical, right? But  if they say something incredibly stupid or hateful, then  fall back into the comfort of "the outside doesn't matter." What can come from all of this flip-flopping? The outside matters until they call you ugly, then you can blame their flaws on their inner nature and say that the inside is what matters. Is this hypocracy or is it just the way that things are?

I can find a person utterly repulsive, and have no physical interest in them whatsoever,  but they could be the "one" and I would never give it a chance. When people do this to me, I call them shallow and close minded, but when I do it to others . . . then I trot out the same lines that some of the polite people say-- the same old lines of "he's just not my type" or "we don't mesh well"

And sometimes people genuinely don't mesh well, and then other times they just don't like the package that Mr. Right came in. If the inside is what truly matters, then it shouldn't matter how whatever you are. But in this world, beauty is far more valuable than genuine connection. Everything can be improved by running on the treadmill, once you lose X amount of pounds, you're beautiful and desirable and everyone will want to be with you.

I think know that's a lie. You are who you are, pounds don't change that. They might have some kind of influence on your confidence, but after that, you're still who you are. So if you're really looking for love, looking for the right person, you're going to fall in love with the soul, not the body

This has ended up in a very different place than it started.

The point is, I sit on the fence. I believe that the inside is what matters, and I refuse to fawn over "hot" people, but still, in my ungarded moments of honesty, I get distracted by beauty. But does this make me a hypocrite, or does it just make me human?

[Side Note, with a side of pathetic: Things like this make me think of John, he essentially didn't want to be with me because I'm fat. And because he's "straight" But mostly because I was fat. If I was thin(ner) it would have been easy for him to just hook up with me (or whatever). But the truth is that I wouldn't have been with him if I was thin(ner). I would have already been with someone else, attracted someone else with my charms. Etc. I keep falling into these (horrendous) situations because I'm kind of . . . desperate. But luckily, it only comes in patches, its not an ever continuing stretch of desperation.]

And there are other instances where I will flip-flop, but all it turns out to be are a bunch of double standards. But double-standard is just a formal way to say "hypocritical"

So I guess I'm a little bit of a hypocrite, but isn't everybody?

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Today the mayor of Washington D.C., Adrian Fenty, signed the marriage equality bill as promised. The National Organization for Marriage, NOM, is beside itself. NOM has promised to fight this all of the way, pledging to take up their disapproval with Congress, as the bill now goes up for the 30 day Congressional review.

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As I had previously pointed out in an earlier posting (Gay Marriage Lost in New York), New York Senator Ruth Hassell-Thompson was one of the few state legislators that had impressed me as she fought for marriage equality in the New York State Senate before it was voted down on December 2, 2009. Finally, here is the video of that speech. Before the issue had come to a vote, Senator Hassell-Thompson had been undecided on marriage equality. Listen to her personal story and her conviction despite pressure from her religious family and her own church congregation. This is what we need more of from our representatives.

Here is another video. This time of New York Senator, Diane Savino, speaking on the same topic during the same debate. Take a listen. Senator Savino makes some salient points.

Senator Diane Savino

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